Friday, October 2, 2009
Kindof Awake
Im pretty sure when i gave birth 6 months ago all my energy went out of my soul and into my sons...he refuses to nap and only sleep for an hour or two at a time at night, yet he is always smiling. Me on the other hand....ummm not so much I am so so so very tired. I am pretty sure i have some kind of deficiency. I get plenty of rest, I hardly ever do any activity besides clean my house and I feel like I have been ran over by a truck. Anyways I am trying my best at the moment to get my rear off this couch and go hang up my sons clothes but chances are slim and if i do start i will stop in the middle and get right back here in my comfy spot on the couch. WOW what have i become....a big fat loser, or perhaps a stay at home mom of a 6 month old whos dads in the middle east and she has no one to lend hand...im not sure which one I am at the moment but I know I should call my doc about all this sleepiness...anybody have any suggestions on what might be my problem??
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
a lil of this and a lil of that
Ok so I couldnt just leave it at wordless wen. I have to much to say ha! Its been 3 weeks now since me and the lil guy have been back at fort drum!:) And I must say I LOVE LOVE LOVE living on post! I now wish the hub would just stay in the army for the sheer fact that I feel so safe on post. Its nuts I have always been paranoid of..well...life in general. I hardly ever would go places alone I had a constant fear of being kidnapped raped or killed. Why? well I ask my self that same question but I am pretty sure it goes back to my mother whom was ooober paraniod herself, and well it kinda rubbed off on me. But here on post I have no fear me and the baby go on walks and do ust about whatever. Im not afraid at night heck I dont even lock the doors. I think the military has it perks for sure and of course it has it downfalls but the benifits out weigh the cons. i want more kids and I just think it would be a blessed life if my children could see other places and not be tied down like I was my whole life. I do miss my hubs though...45 days untill his return I cant belive it has almost been 12 months it has went by pretty quick. With him coming home brings on alot of my own insecuritys. I am worried that hes gonna take one look at this body of mine and be like ok next! But I am sure after being deprived for 12 months anything would be ok to him..:P Welp my poor bulldog had surgery today :( and he is full on medicated...haha I can hardly even get himto move, he has 2 paain patches on and I have to give him pain meds every 6 hours but they say he should be back to his perfect self in 7-10 days :) My house id coming together I only like lil things untill I have it finished for now I need a dresser for the babys room a desh and maybe a rug or 2....*OTS* My hair hmmm...wat to do wat to do..It is longer than it has been in 7 years and I am now coming to realize why I kept it short. It is like asian hair black and silky straight all I can do with this mess is dry and straighten it!:( I am thinking I may cut it all off the week befor hubs gets here so I am lookin cute.. Ok I am rambling now because I am so sleepy I know I need to get myself to bed because its only a matter of time befor my lil guy wakes up to nurse..O yea and today is the 3rd night we CIO and it is working the first night was HORRIBLE he cried for 1 hour and 45 mins, 2nd night he cried for about 10 and tonight he didnt cry YAY!!! O and he is gonn be a chicken for his first halloween :) I am making his costume and I cant wait I got all the supplies today I now just have to find the time to get busy :S
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
I will NOT feel bad! I repeat I will NOT feel bad!
Ok so the past few weeks have been intresting...I have moved back to Fort Drum NY :) YAY Im in my own home :) double YAY! I have been unpacking for a week now and I am still not finished. My son has decided he will not sleep unless he is in the bed with me..he has also learned to fight his sleep..and I think my milk supply has went down :( O it has been intresting to say the least.
But on a more serious note...My husband completely broke my spirit today. I have never felt less close to someone than I do to him in this moment.
It was around 2 pm, his usual time he calls to just see what me and the baby are doing. (Ok well he usually doesnt even ask about the baby, but its ok I just over look this because hes a man) As usual he was going on and on about how many hours hes worked with no sleep and how its hot as heck and hes ready to come home...but he uses choice words in his sentences. Im no saint and i cuss too much myself but at least i know that i am doing it. He on the other hand does not. I can handle most things he says but today it was like GD(yes the worst one of them all) was every other word out of his mouth.
It was making me crazy, so I told him to stop it! Well apparently this rubbed him the wrong way seeing as how the more I ask him not to do something he does it 10 x's more. So as most of us do when we get angry he decided to say things that he knew would just hurt me.
First words out of his mouth were "ok sorry street preacher" I replied I am not a street preacher.."well bible thumber then"he says...NO Chad I am not a Bible thumber please stop it...then he says to me " O how I know you wish God would make you a bird so you could fly away"..by this point my eyes are tearing up..I was like whatever I have never said that.."I know but on your myspace it always says something wierd like a quote from the Bible or Priase Jesus, its just F*ing weird Nikki"he says with a smile on his face, I knew he had a smile I could tell evern through the phone I could tell.
Befor I knew what I was doing I just pushed the little red button on my phone and started sobbing. My poor son looked rather confussed. And my phone rang I just knew it was him but I was wrong it was my sister. I answered as if I was fine and she talked up a storm. I hate to say it but I wasnt really listening to a word she said every now and again i would say uuhhhuu yep and i kno. but really in my mind I was losing it. Thinking how could he say such a thing to me or anyone for that matter? I wonder if he even feels bad? Surely he will call me back right?...
Well he didnt call me back. Im not sure he even cares. I just refuse to feel bad about trying to make my way to heaven and be a good role modle for my son. I hate the fact that my son will proablly grow up in a home where he dad calls all the shots and does and says whatever while his mom just sits by and lets it all happen. I really dont want my 2 year old saying F you or F this...I want him to be a good boy and say please and thank you.
Maybe its Gods way of punishing me for not finding a relationship with him untill just recently, or beacause I should have waited to get married to a good christian man. I dont know? What ever the reason this has happened it was all part of the plan. But I will pray about it, I will pray for him, and I will most likely pray that I can keep my mind on Jesus and not let any man on this earth steer me away form Him.
Ok I feel much better now! :D Its good to get things out....:)
But on a more serious note...My husband completely broke my spirit today. I have never felt less close to someone than I do to him in this moment.
It was around 2 pm, his usual time he calls to just see what me and the baby are doing. (Ok well he usually doesnt even ask about the baby, but its ok I just over look this because hes a man) As usual he was going on and on about how many hours hes worked with no sleep and how its hot as heck and hes ready to come home...but he uses choice words in his sentences. Im no saint and i cuss too much myself but at least i know that i am doing it. He on the other hand does not. I can handle most things he says but today it was like GD(yes the worst one of them all) was every other word out of his mouth.
It was making me crazy, so I told him to stop it! Well apparently this rubbed him the wrong way seeing as how the more I ask him not to do something he does it 10 x's more. So as most of us do when we get angry he decided to say things that he knew would just hurt me.
First words out of his mouth were "ok sorry street preacher" I replied I am not a street preacher.."well bible thumber then"he says...NO Chad I am not a Bible thumber please stop it...then he says to me " O how I know you wish God would make you a bird so you could fly away"..by this point my eyes are tearing up..I was like whatever I have never said that.."I know but on your myspace it always says something wierd like a quote from the Bible or Priase Jesus, its just F*ing weird Nikki"he says with a smile on his face, I knew he had a smile I could tell evern through the phone I could tell.
Befor I knew what I was doing I just pushed the little red button on my phone and started sobbing. My poor son looked rather confussed. And my phone rang I just knew it was him but I was wrong it was my sister. I answered as if I was fine and she talked up a storm. I hate to say it but I wasnt really listening to a word she said every now and again i would say uuhhhuu yep and i kno. but really in my mind I was losing it. Thinking how could he say such a thing to me or anyone for that matter? I wonder if he even feels bad? Surely he will call me back right?...
Well he didnt call me back. Im not sure he even cares. I just refuse to feel bad about trying to make my way to heaven and be a good role modle for my son. I hate the fact that my son will proablly grow up in a home where he dad calls all the shots and does and says whatever while his mom just sits by and lets it all happen. I really dont want my 2 year old saying F you or F this...I want him to be a good boy and say please and thank you.
Maybe its Gods way of punishing me for not finding a relationship with him untill just recently, or beacause I should have waited to get married to a good christian man. I dont know? What ever the reason this has happened it was all part of the plan. But I will pray about it, I will pray for him, and I will most likely pray that I can keep my mind on Jesus and not let any man on this earth steer me away form Him.
Ok I feel much better now! :D Its good to get things out....:)
Thursday, July 23, 2009
writin prompt
The Prompts:
1.) They just don't make (fill in the blank) like they used to! ...respectable women
2.) If you had the time and money...what charity would you help raise awareness for?
lukemia because i lost my best friend to ALL and MAL 2 years ago she was 21 yrs old :(
3.) What are YOU giddy about? havin some x rated lovin with my hubby in October :D
4.)What's on YOUR little kids list? Im not sure?
5.)Describe what brought you closer to your faith.-----------------------------------------------------------Describe what brought you closer to your faith. MY SON
1.) They just don't make (fill in the blank) like they used to! ...respectable women
2.) If you had the time and money...what charity would you help raise awareness for?
lukemia because i lost my best friend to ALL and MAL 2 years ago she was 21 yrs old :(
3.) What are YOU giddy about? havin some x rated lovin with my hubby in October :D
4.)What's on YOUR little kids list? Im not sure?
5.)Describe what brought you closer to your faith.-----------------------------------------------------------Describe what brought you closer to your faith. MY SON
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