I will NOT feel bad! I repeat I will NOT feel bad!

Ok so the past few weeks have been intresting...I have moved back to Fort Drum NY :) YAY Im in my own home :) double YAY! I have been unpacking for a week now and I am still not finished. My son has decided he will not sleep unless he is in the bed with me..he has also learned to fight his sleep..and I think my milk supply has went down :( O it has been intresting to say the least.

But on a more serious note...My husband completely broke my spirit today. I have never felt less close to someone than I do to him in this moment.

It was around 2 pm, his usual time he calls to just see what me and the baby are doing. (Ok well he usually doesnt even ask about the baby, but its ok I just over look this because hes a man) As usual he was going on and on about how many hours hes worked with no sleep and how its hot as heck and hes ready to come home...but he uses choice words in his sentences. Im no saint and i cuss too much myself but at least i know that i am doing it. He on the other hand does not. I can handle most things he says but today it was like GD(yes the worst one of them all) was every other word out of his mouth.

It was making me crazy, so I told him to stop it! Well apparently this rubbed him the wrong way seeing as how the more I ask him not to do something he does it 10 x's more. So as most of us do when we get angry he decided to say things that he knew would just hurt me.

First words out of his mouth were "ok sorry street preacher" I replied I am not a street preacher.."well bible thumber then"he says...NO Chad I am not a Bible thumber please stop it...then he says to me " O how I know you wish God would make you a bird so you could fly away"..by this point my eyes are tearing up..I was like whatever I have never said that.."I know but on your myspace it always says something wierd like a quote from the Bible or Priase Jesus, its just F*ing weird Nikki"he says with a smile on his face, I knew he had a smile I could tell evern through the phone I could tell.

Befor I knew what I was doing I just pushed the little red button on my phone and started sobbing. My poor son looked rather confussed. And my phone rang I just knew it was him but I was wrong it was my sister. I answered as if I was fine and she talked up a storm. I hate to say it but I wasnt really listening to a word she said every now and again i would say uuhhhuu yep and i kno. but really in my mind I was losing it. Thinking how could he say such a thing to me or anyone for that matter? I wonder if he even feels bad? Surely he will call me back right?...

Well he didnt call me back. Im not sure he even cares. I just refuse to feel bad about trying to make my way to heaven and be a good role modle for my son. I hate the fact that my son will proablly grow up in a home where he dad calls all the shots and does and says whatever while his mom just sits by and lets it all happen. I really dont want my 2 year old saying F you or F this...I want him to be a good boy and say please and thank you.

Maybe its Gods way of punishing me for not finding a relationship with him untill just recently, or beacause I should have waited to get married to a good christian man. I dont know? What ever the reason this has happened it was all part of the plan. But I will pray about it, I will pray for him, and I will most likely pray that I can keep my mind on Jesus and not let any man on this earth steer me away form Him.

Ok I feel much better now! :D Its good to get things out....:)

writin prompt

The Prompts:

1.) They just don't make (fill in the blank) like they used to! ...respectable women

2.) If you had the time and money...what charity would you help raise awareness for?
lukemia because i lost my best friend to ALL and MAL 2 years ago she was 21 yrs old :(

3.) What are YOU giddy about? havin some x rated lovin with my hubby in October :D

4.)What's on YOUR little kids list? Im not sure?

5.)Describe what brought you closer to your faith.-----------------------------------------------------------Describe what brought you closer to your faith. MY SON

Umm 4 month shots :( poor baby he is so cranky...:( And ya kno wat doc I am NOT gonna quit feeding him baby food because he likes to eat!So suck it! O yea and he will drink his juice also!

Wheres are the pool passes?

My 2 yr old niece Ashleigh Julia (9) and Braxy

Brax and I

He would try to swim it was the cutest thing

So Im back in suburbia...Life is great once again! I love visting home in Arkansas and I love my family I just love Maryland so much more :P Today was eventful we went to the pool with my sister-in-law and my 2 nieces Julia and Asheligh and my nephew Chase who is currently under construction in the tummy :) I love my in laws so much they are a blast to be around ever since the day I met them they have welcomed me as if I had been around for years. I dont know if the reason is due to my husbands ex being a big pain or if they really just liked me for me. Im sure they just liked me :) haha.. I love my sis in law Jo she is the best. Shes a RN and very knowledgeable about babys bc she works in the NICU so shes there to answer all my questions. Plus I mean she had raised two wonderful children who mind very well and are just all around well adjusted people. Id like to know her secrets I mean she has been married 11 years to my husbands brother and well they are still extremly happy with their lives, they are great role models. I decided today I belive I want to become a nurse so we will see. Anyways my poor lil guy has his 4 month shots in the am so I have to get to bed I pray that it goes well for him this time last time it was horrible. And for anyone intrested my spiritual war is still going on...call me crazy but I am dead serious I need to change but it seems to get harder as the days go on to get myself right!UGHH Im workin on it.. Make me good God. and again I say Make me good God.

Wordless Wednesday

Catfish Plate!!!I love Arkansas!!

Let it all go...

This is gonna be one of my first weight loss blogs but not the last! As of today I am 138lbs and Braxten will be four months old in 2 days. I have always averaged 110-123 and 123 was my max. When i found out I was pregnant I was 12 weeks and i weighed 121lbs the day I delivered I was 213lbs (talk about a change)!! I was so huge but I have slowly started to lose the weight And hopefully once I get back to my own home in Ny and get myself on a shedule and buy my own grocerys I will lose at least 10 more lbs. *fingers crossed* I would love to just get to 125...so thats my goal by Dec. because my husband has a military ball and i wanna look stunning and feel great also!

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Well I am pretty positive after my intense research that I am goin cloth...diapers that is! I am gonna buy the bumGenius organic with snaps :) YAY I can hardly contain myself...I never thought I would be saying this about diapers but thats what mommahood is all about ;)If anyone has any suggestions please let me know because I love taking in new info! Also I am gonna "try" and make Braxs baby food but i am so confused about what to do?? So much to know. What kind of foods, What kind of processer!!!Ughh its alot to take in!
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77 days and counting untill my hubbins home :) Its gonna be great to have some help!

*Sorry if mispelled words bother you bc I cant spell anything correctly!*

Lastly I would like to ask everyone to pray for me! I am so lost My heart and head are in a spiritual war right now! My heart says one thing then the devil gets in and on and on and on...everyday i fight my own internal battle! I have never felt so strongly about Christ in my entire life untill just recently and nowadays I cant get Him off my mind! He is working on me. The wheels in my head are turning and i know I need to just give it all up to Him. I pentacostal, not skirt wearing pentacost but I love to praise in the same way they do. So my delimma is when i get back to Ny #1 find a church #2 get ready to take the ridicule i am going to recive. I am ready because to me this is all a test for what is to come. I fear the Lord I want my name in that book I want eternal life and I know what i need to do to recive it! So untill then i continue to read my Bible nightly and thank him everyday i am still breathing!!!

Im gonna miss em!My nephew Weston and sister Tiffy!

My beautiful Familia!!!:)

I have been home visting Arkansas for the past two months it seems like i just stepped off the plane and stepped onto flat land! As much as i miss home I am ready to get back to Maryland to see my inlaws whom are so good to me :) And I know Brax is ready to see hims Grammy...But it wont be long after that untill I am on the move once again but this time back to Ft. Drum Ny...And that i am stoked about Im ready to get my pup(Bully Deniro), get my house set up, and most important prep for the hubbin to get back home to me and the babe!! Less than 90 days and my family will all be back together again. I only hope i can let the hub back in the bed because quite frankly I like the whole bed to myself..hehe..I kno this is going to be a big test for us we havent gotten to spend more than 2 months together and we have been married for 2 years now, so 12 months straight together may be stressful but i say bring it on! YAY!!! I get some lovin soon :D