I will NOT feel bad! I repeat I will NOT feel bad!

Ok so the past few weeks have been intresting...I have moved back to Fort Drum NY :) YAY Im in my own home :) double YAY! I have been unpacking for a week now and I am still not finished. My son has decided he will not sleep unless he is in the bed with me..he has also learned to fight his sleep..and I think my milk supply has went down :( O it has been intresting to say the least.

But on a more serious note...My husband completely broke my spirit today. I have never felt less close to someone than I do to him in this moment.

It was around 2 pm, his usual time he calls to just see what me and the baby are doing. (Ok well he usually doesnt even ask about the baby, but its ok I just over look this because hes a man) As usual he was going on and on about how many hours hes worked with no sleep and how its hot as heck and hes ready to come home...but he uses choice words in his sentences. Im no saint and i cuss too much myself but at least i know that i am doing it. He on the other hand does not. I can handle most things he says but today it was like GD(yes the worst one of them all) was every other word out of his mouth.

It was making me crazy, so I told him to stop it! Well apparently this rubbed him the wrong way seeing as how the more I ask him not to do something he does it 10 x's more. So as most of us do when we get angry he decided to say things that he knew would just hurt me.

First words out of his mouth were "ok sorry street preacher" I replied I am not a street preacher.."well bible thumber then"he says...NO Chad I am not a Bible thumber please stop it...then he says to me " O how I know you wish God would make you a bird so you could fly away"..by this point my eyes are tearing up..I was like whatever I have never said that.."I know but on your myspace it always says something wierd like a quote from the Bible or Priase Jesus, its just F*ing weird Nikki"he says with a smile on his face, I knew he had a smile I could tell evern through the phone I could tell.

Befor I knew what I was doing I just pushed the little red button on my phone and started sobbing. My poor son looked rather confussed. And my phone rang I just knew it was him but I was wrong it was my sister. I answered as if I was fine and she talked up a storm. I hate to say it but I wasnt really listening to a word she said every now and again i would say uuhhhuu yep and i kno. but really in my mind I was losing it. Thinking how could he say such a thing to me or anyone for that matter? I wonder if he even feels bad? Surely he will call me back right?...

Well he didnt call me back. Im not sure he even cares. I just refuse to feel bad about trying to make my way to heaven and be a good role modle for my son. I hate the fact that my son will proablly grow up in a home where he dad calls all the shots and does and says whatever while his mom just sits by and lets it all happen. I really dont want my 2 year old saying F you or F this...I want him to be a good boy and say please and thank you.

Maybe its Gods way of punishing me for not finding a relationship with him untill just recently, or beacause I should have waited to get married to a good christian man. I dont know? What ever the reason this has happened it was all part of the plan. But I will pray about it, I will pray for him, and I will most likely pray that I can keep my mind on Jesus and not let any man on this earth steer me away form Him.

Ok I feel much better now! :D Its good to get things out....:)