Kindof Awake

Im pretty sure when i gave birth 6 months ago all my energy went out of my soul and into my sons...he refuses to nap and only sleep for an hour or two at a time at night, yet he is always smiling. Me on the other hand....ummm not so much I am so so so very tired. I am pretty sure i have some kind of deficiency. I get plenty of rest, I hardly ever do any activity besides clean my house and I feel like I have been ran over by a truck. Anyways I am trying my best at the moment to get my rear off this couch and go hang up my sons clothes but chances are slim and if i do start i will stop in the middle and get right back here in my comfy spot on the couch. WOW what have i become....a big fat loser, or perhaps a stay at home mom of a 6 month old whos dads in the middle east and she has no one to lend hand...im not sure which one I am at the moment but I know I should call my doc about all this sleepiness...anybody have any suggestions on what might be my problem??

Wordless Wednesday

My poor hubby..its almost over...countdown begins about 18 or so days left :D

Wordless Wednesday

a lil of this and a lil of that

Ok so I couldnt just leave it at wordless wen. I have to much to say ha! Its been 3 weeks now since me and the lil guy have been back at fort drum!:) And I must say I LOVE LOVE LOVE living on post! I now wish the hub would just stay in the army for the sheer fact that I feel so safe on post. Its nuts I have always been paranoid of..well...life in general. I hardly ever would go places alone I had a constant fear of being kidnapped raped or killed. Why? well I ask my self that same question but I am pretty sure it goes back to my mother whom was ooober paraniod herself, and well it kinda rubbed off on me. But here on post I have no fear me and the baby go on walks and do ust about whatever. Im not afraid at night heck I dont even lock the doors. I think the military has it perks for sure and of course it has it downfalls but the benifits out weigh the cons. i want more kids and I just think it would be a blessed life if my children could see other places and not be tied down like I was my whole life. I do miss my hubs though...45 days untill his return I cant belive it has almost been 12 months it has went by pretty quick. With him coming home brings on alot of my own insecuritys. I am worried that hes gonna take one look at this body of mine and be like ok next! But I am sure after being deprived for 12 months anything would be ok to him..:P Welp my poor bulldog had surgery today :( and he is full on medicated...haha I can hardly even get himto move, he has 2 paain patches on and I have to give him pain meds every 6 hours but they say he should be back to his perfect self in 7-10 days :) My house id coming together I only like lil things untill I have it finished for now I need a dresser for the babys room a desh and maybe a rug or 2....*OTS* My hair hmmm...wat to do wat to do..It is longer than it has been in 7 years and I am now coming to realize why I kept it short. It is like asian hair black and silky straight all I can do with this mess is dry and straighten it!:( I am thinking I may cut it all off the week befor hubs gets here so I am lookin cute.. Ok I am rambling now because I am so sleepy I know I need to get myself to bed because its only a matter of time befor my lil guy wakes up to nurse..O yea and today is the 3rd night we CIO and it is working the first night was HORRIBLE he cried for 1 hour and 45 mins, 2nd night he cried for about 10 and tonight he didnt cry YAY!!! O and he is gonn be a chicken for his first halloween :) I am making his costume and I cant wait I got all the supplies today I now just have to find the time to get busy :S

Wordless Wednesday

Brothers!

I will NOT feel bad! I repeat I will NOT feel bad!

Ok so the past few weeks have been intresting...I have moved back to Fort Drum NY :) YAY Im in my own home :) double YAY! I have been unpacking for a week now and I am still not finished. My son has decided he will not sleep unless he is in the bed with me..he has also learned to fight his sleep..and I think my milk supply has went down :( O it has been intresting to say the least.

But on a more serious note...My husband completely broke my spirit today. I have never felt less close to someone than I do to him in this moment.

It was around 2 pm, his usual time he calls to just see what me and the baby are doing. (Ok well he usually doesnt even ask about the baby, but its ok I just over look this because hes a man) As usual he was going on and on about how many hours hes worked with no sleep and how its hot as heck and hes ready to come home...but he uses choice words in his sentences. Im no saint and i cuss too much myself but at least i know that i am doing it. He on the other hand does not. I can handle most things he says but today it was like GD(yes the worst one of them all) was every other word out of his mouth.

It was making me crazy, so I told him to stop it! Well apparently this rubbed him the wrong way seeing as how the more I ask him not to do something he does it 10 x's more. So as most of us do when we get angry he decided to say things that he knew would just hurt me.

First words out of his mouth were "ok sorry street preacher" I replied I am not a street preacher.."well bible thumber then"he says...NO Chad I am not a Bible thumber please stop it...then he says to me " O how I know you wish God would make you a bird so you could fly away"..by this point my eyes are tearing up..I was like whatever I have never said that.."I know but on your myspace it always says something wierd like a quote from the Bible or Priase Jesus, its just F*ing weird Nikki"he says with a smile on his face, I knew he had a smile I could tell evern through the phone I could tell.

Befor I knew what I was doing I just pushed the little red button on my phone and started sobbing. My poor son looked rather confussed. And my phone rang I just knew it was him but I was wrong it was my sister. I answered as if I was fine and she talked up a storm. I hate to say it but I wasnt really listening to a word she said every now and again i would say uuhhhuu yep and i kno. but really in my mind I was losing it. Thinking how could he say such a thing to me or anyone for that matter? I wonder if he even feels bad? Surely he will call me back right?...

Well he didnt call me back. Im not sure he even cares. I just refuse to feel bad about trying to make my way to heaven and be a good role modle for my son. I hate the fact that my son will proablly grow up in a home where he dad calls all the shots and does and says whatever while his mom just sits by and lets it all happen. I really dont want my 2 year old saying F you or F this...I want him to be a good boy and say please and thank you.

Maybe its Gods way of punishing me for not finding a relationship with him untill just recently, or beacause I should have waited to get married to a good christian man. I dont know? What ever the reason this has happened it was all part of the plan. But I will pray about it, I will pray for him, and I will most likely pray that I can keep my mind on Jesus and not let any man on this earth steer me away form Him.

Ok I feel much better now! :D Its good to get things out....:)

writin prompt

The Prompts:

1.) They just don't make (fill in the blank) like they used to! ...respectable women

2.) If you had the time and money...what charity would you help raise awareness for?
lukemia because i lost my best friend to ALL and MAL 2 years ago she was 21 yrs old :(

3.) What are YOU giddy about? havin some x rated lovin with my hubby in October :D

4.)What's on YOUR little kids list? Im not sure?

5.)Describe what brought you closer to your faith.-----------------------------------------------------------Describe what brought you closer to your faith. MY SON

Umm 4 month shots :( poor baby he is so cranky...:( And ya kno wat doc I am NOT gonna quit feeding him baby food because he likes to eat!So suck it! O yea and he will drink his juice also!

Wheres are the pool passes?

My 2 yr old niece Ashleigh Julia (9) and Braxy

Brax and I

He would try to swim it was the cutest thing

So Im back in suburbia...Life is great once again! I love visting home in Arkansas and I love my family I just love Maryland so much more :P Today was eventful we went to the pool with my sister-in-law and my 2 nieces Julia and Asheligh and my nephew Chase who is currently under construction in the tummy :) I love my in laws so much they are a blast to be around ever since the day I met them they have welcomed me as if I had been around for years. I dont know if the reason is due to my husbands ex being a big pain or if they really just liked me for me. Im sure they just liked me :) haha.. I love my sis in law Jo she is the best. Shes a RN and very knowledgeable about babys bc she works in the NICU so shes there to answer all my questions. Plus I mean she had raised two wonderful children who mind very well and are just all around well adjusted people. Id like to know her secrets I mean she has been married 11 years to my husbands brother and well they are still extremly happy with their lives, they are great role models. I decided today I belive I want to become a nurse so we will see. Anyways my poor lil guy has his 4 month shots in the am so I have to get to bed I pray that it goes well for him this time last time it was horrible. And for anyone intrested my spiritual war is still going on...call me crazy but I am dead serious I need to change but it seems to get harder as the days go on to get myself right!UGHH Im workin on it.. Make me good God. and again I say Make me good God.

Wordless Wednesday

Catfish Plate!!!I love Arkansas!!

Let it all go...

This is gonna be one of my first weight loss blogs but not the last! As of today I am 138lbs and Braxten will be four months old in 2 days. I have always averaged 110-123 and 123 was my max. When i found out I was pregnant I was 12 weeks and i weighed 121lbs the day I delivered I was 213lbs (talk about a change)!! I was so huge but I have slowly started to lose the weight And hopefully once I get back to my own home in Ny and get myself on a shedule and buy my own grocerys I will lose at least 10 more lbs. *fingers crossed* I would love to just get to 125...so thats my goal by Dec. because my husband has a military ball and i wanna look stunning and feel great also!

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Well I am pretty positive after my intense research that I am goin cloth...diapers that is! I am gonna buy the bumGenius organic with snaps :) YAY I can hardly contain myself...I never thought I would be saying this about diapers but thats what mommahood is all about ;)If anyone has any suggestions please let me know because I love taking in new info! Also I am gonna "try" and make Braxs baby food but i am so confused about what to do?? So much to know. What kind of foods, What kind of processer!!!Ughh its alot to take in!
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77 days and counting untill my hubbins home :) Its gonna be great to have some help!

*Sorry if mispelled words bother you bc I cant spell anything correctly!*

Lastly I would like to ask everyone to pray for me! I am so lost My heart and head are in a spiritual war right now! My heart says one thing then the devil gets in and on and on and on...everyday i fight my own internal battle! I have never felt so strongly about Christ in my entire life untill just recently and nowadays I cant get Him off my mind! He is working on me. The wheels in my head are turning and i know I need to just give it all up to Him. I pentacostal, not skirt wearing pentacost but I love to praise in the same way they do. So my delimma is when i get back to Ny #1 find a church #2 get ready to take the ridicule i am going to recive. I am ready because to me this is all a test for what is to come. I fear the Lord I want my name in that book I want eternal life and I know what i need to do to recive it! So untill then i continue to read my Bible nightly and thank him everyday i am still breathing!!!

Im gonna miss em!My nephew Weston and sister Tiffy!

My beautiful Familia!!!:)

I have been home visting Arkansas for the past two months it seems like i just stepped off the plane and stepped onto flat land! As much as i miss home I am ready to get back to Maryland to see my inlaws whom are so good to me :) And I know Brax is ready to see hims Grammy...But it wont be long after that untill I am on the move once again but this time back to Ft. Drum Ny...And that i am stoked about Im ready to get my pup(Bully Deniro), get my house set up, and most important prep for the hubbin to get back home to me and the babe!! Less than 90 days and my family will all be back together again. I only hope i can let the hub back in the bed because quite frankly I like the whole bed to myself..hehe..I kno this is going to be a big test for us we havent gotten to spend more than 2 months together and we have been married for 2 years now, so 12 months straight together may be stressful but i say bring it on! YAY!!! I get some lovin soon :D

O my blue eyed man :D this just makes he happy..:) I think breastfeeding is probally top 3 of my greatest accomplishments ever..#1 would be giving birth and #2 well i think im leavin that slot open for making it bfing for 12 months :)...The connection a mother and child have is like the secret to life i mean unless you experience it as a woman you will never understand!! Thats why i have such a had time hearing things on the news about mothers who hurt there babies...obviously they are crzy bc it just isnt the norm...Or mothers who give their children up..i dunno i just dont get it i do not think there is any justifiable excuse for a woman to be without her child!Ok enough of my opinion and more about my day...Today we swam!And i actually put my big body into a bathing suit...it was rough the whole day i was fixated on the fact that my sister has a killer body and huge fake boobies to boot...and here i am the porker who ate a whole whopper for dinner..yuck thats what it is is disgusting..but besides the fact that im gross and what not my baby boy loves the water :D he feel asleep at one point...i look like a lobster and i am so sleepy the sun will do it to ya...darn sun gets me every time!Anyways i need my rest going to spent the weekend with my father tomm. yay!!!i love him!:) hope everyone has had a blessed day!:)

Well today was the Williams 52nd family reunion in Sikeston, Mo. and i got really burnt!!Neways ill blog about it later...I just wanted to right and say im kickin my weight loss goals to the side while i am home here in Ar bc the food is just too darn good in the south!!:D Like all the greats...BBQ, Catfish, Sweet tea, lots of butter on everything, lots of lard and lots of crisco..Ive never been one to back away from the table or miss a meal but i guess its different after you have a baby my metabolisim isnt what it once was. my problem is that i can not come to terms with this body i have now i hate it!I am not confident llike i use to be i am just constantly beating myself up over my weight and my body bc its disgusting i dont even feel like my husband should love me or want to touch me ugghhh i am hoping this changes befor he gets back but who knows...I gotta go get me some rest while my lil man sleeps but ill write more when i have the time :)

*To: my boy*

I lay here at this very moment in time

your so still so calm so peaceful

You are truly one of Gods most beautiful creations

I am no one special at all

You are my reason for living

I watch you grow everyday and it breaks my heart

Because as your mother i would be very content if youd stay small and need me forever

Although I know this isnt the case

One day very soon you will be grown

A wife, A career and a family of your own

If I am not there with you my son

ALWAYS know you made my life complete

You patched up every hole my heart had and you put so much love in my soul

Being your mother is something i cant put into words

And this is what i was thinking at this very moment in time while i lay here and watch you sleep

I LOVE YOU Braxten Axl Ivy

love your mother

What is one to do when they realize that they arent living their life right? This is a question i bring up in my own head pretty much daily. #1 I need to get healthy..not skinny but healthy. I am 5'4 and 144 lbs (2 months post baby)...I was 121 lbs at 12 weeks pregnant. I have 22 lbs to get off by October when my husband returns from Iraq. #2 I need to try and model my life after Christ. #3 I want to try and give my child the best of everything to make him a well rounded human being. These are my goals as of today i will strive to make these a reality!:)

Dream Big

Today I ventured to Hobby Lobby. the greatest place on earth might i add...And i came across lots of things i thought i could get creative doing. So i bought 30 dollars worth of stuff came home and got crafty. As ou can see in the pic I made my son 2 passie holders. And i was thinking to myself "heck yes" I thought "man i am pretty creative I should make these and sell em. So I started to research online about differnt types and ill be dang they already exsist! And might i add the ones i found on the internet are way cuter..:( *sigh* I even had a cool name picked out and everything it was gonna be Babblin Baby Bling..but that little plan is gone with the wind..On another note i have got to get it in gear as far as my debt. I know i have it i know i need to get rid of it yet i chose to never look at my bank online! Why one migt ask? well bc it is so depressing it puts me in the worst mood ever. I will ge it done soon seeing as how my husband rides me about it all the time and thats the way i can shut him up..hehe..I am giving myself the rest of the week to prepare but then it has to happen....I have to get healthy and lose some of theses lbs!!I have an extra 22 lbs to get rid of by October when my husband comes home from Iraq!!!Hope everyone is had an amazing day :)

*Sunny Day in the South*

WOOHOO :)

Naked Baby

My nephew Weston

Tiffy mowing

I have had one very eventful day today. Got up went to Big Lots and Bed Bath and Beyond..and let me add it was like 90 degrees today! And then on our way back home we stopped to get an o so delicious troical snow yummy :) Once we got home it was time to prepare for a day of lounging around out back..We assemblied our slip in slide, I made about 20 water ballons but it felt like 200..First i watched my sister strggle to mow the yard witch was quite entertaining..Then we just chilled inthe hot sun for a few hours the baby slept most of the itme then he woke up and you would have thought he had been beat bc he was screaming like someone hurt him..so being the good mommy i am i thought he may be hot so i stripped him down to nothing i was thinkin ill let him sit here for a while naked and cool off befor i put his new diaper on, well that wasnt such a good idea the next thing i know he farts and well more than gas came out all on my legs all i could do was laugh bless his heart as soon as he pooped he started to fall asleep and he looked so sweet! I never thought i could handle someone pooping on my and at the same time me wanna just hold em and kiss em but thats what being a momma is about i dont think anthing that child does will ever bother me...well to rap the day up we came in and ate a sandwich and as soon as my big booty sat down on the couch i was asleep..for 3 hours me and the little guy napped..then i was bath and now bedtime :) finally i am so ready to go to sleep..The sun seems to suck the life right outta of ya!:)